Saturday Night Alive Transcripts


Season 23: Episode 12


97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Randy Graves…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital letter of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[deliquesce to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hello!…[composes himself] Hm. Hm! Hm!

Okay…we've been off for 2 weeks, so I've had a lot of fourth dimension to retrieve about this Clinton affair. Okay, past all the jokes, I really feel bad for him. I hateful, this is a man and so total of self-hatred, that he puts a lifetime of accomplishment on the line for a serial of Olive Garden hostesses. And do you know why Clinton denied being with Monica Lewinsky? 'Crusade she'southward not that hot. That's the lamentable truth. Most guys accept washed this: made it with the ugly girl at the bar, the next day your friends are ribbin' yous: "You did her concluding night." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "You lot swear y'all didn't?" And then, and…and you come across it: she comes into the bar all dolled upward because she thinks she has a swain….She'due south got the new hat, y'all know? And you have to stop her, she starts hugging you…you saw how Clinton hugged her, it was that morning-subsequently hug. It'due south like, "Hey! Hey! Exist cool! Come up on!" You know? And I guarantee he does it again. You know, Clinton's that kind of guy, those guys, that you always have that i friend that's just a hound, like that? Clinton's back right now. Fifty-fifty with all the trouble at the Olive Garden eating garlic rolls, you lot know, with Vernon Jordan? He'due south like, "Vernon, I'one thousand then depressed…Hiiiiiii! How ya doin'?" You know?…[disappointed by that last joke] Okay….And now, here'southward the news.

Mike Tyson'south having coin problems. Apparently he owes the IRS 7 million dollars. After going over his taxation return, they constitute out he tried to write off Evander Holyfield'due south ear as a business dinner.

Quondam Knick Anthony Mason was charged this morning with having sex with two underage girls. When asked if he's worried most the fans' reaction, he said, [moving-picture show of Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi Previn] "I'thou sure some of them won't mind."

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had sexual activity with a thirteen-yr-old boy, was arrested after she was establish with him in a car. The teacher volition be sent back to prison, and the boy is enjoying his highest approving rating e'er….Kid!…Allow me talk to this kid. Kid! You're too young to realize it at present, but you're doin' proficient! Yous're doin' real good! I don't know how y'all carry yourself, how y'all dress, simply whatsoever you're doin', keep doin' it. You're doin' all correct for 13….I know, information technology's…touching. Um…

According to conditions forecasters, El Niño'southward cold-weather sister, La Niña, [audience starts to express joy] will be bringing farthermost cold–this is truthful–to the eastern Pacific. [trying to quell laughter] It'south true! Meanwhile…who knew El Niño had a sis? You know, I think we're in a lot of weather trouble. Why? Did yous always hear of a Spanish family with only two kids? Come on! [cheers and applause] Folks, it's true. I know it sounds…but we're stocking up on canned goods, and so let's go out it at that.

Karl– [waits for audience to at-home down] Karla Fay Tucker's last repast was a banana, a peach, and a salad. What kind of terminal repast is that? That's a first appointment meal. The kind of matter you order with the guys, so y'all won't retrieve you're gonna get fat? We've brainwashed women so desperately in this society that we even lodge something they want on the twenty-four hours of execution….All right? She doesn't desire the other death row warden talking virtually her. "Ooh! Her ass looked huge in that chair!"…Uh…

The opening ceremonies at the Olympics were last night. I don't know what the big deal is here. Somebody who skates 14 hours a day, that's non an athlete. That's obsessive-compulsive disorder, all correct? [a adult female thanks] What's next, you get a gold medal for turning the stove off…100 times in an hour?…All right…

An Indiana captive who actually asked to be executed for the murder of another inmate was killed by lethal injection terminal calendar week. His final words: "Wow! That's the terminal time I try reverse psychology!"

All correct….[reaches under the desk, grabs a copy of Vanity Off-white with Matt Damon on the cover and holds it up] Let'southward talk about him here, Matt Damon….Now why is this guy starting to piss me off? All right? I know, he wrote a neat motion picture, he'south a great actor, seems similar a nice guy, but information technology'due south all a footling as well perfect. And that'due south a little scrap annoying, allow'due south face the facts. [puts down the magazine] All correct, him and his buddy wrote Practiced Volition Hunting and went from rags to riches and everyone's and then happy, ha ha ha. Well estimate what, I'thousand non happy for him. Yous know who I'm happy for when he does good? Me. I'1000 happy when I benefit. People say, "Oh, you're just jealous." And then what? What'southward wrong with that? Jealousy started this land, all right? People were jealous that the Indians had a beautiful continent and they came over and took information technology. Just here's the role that pisses me off….Y'all have the 2 best friends, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, y'all know, they wrote the movie together, Good Will Hunting, but you know information technology was Ben Affleck that did all the taping – typing, you know, while Matt Damon was on the bed doing hammer curls, all right? You tin can only encounter Affleck hunched over the figurer like Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List, you know? While the arrogant, two-time Matt Damon, the spawn of beer hall fascism and Sid Field screenwriting books, sits on the balcony like Ray Fiennes in his bathrobe shooting at people….All right. Obviously, there's a problem that needs to be dealt with here, y'all know, I'thou not saying that…I don't know if it's mine, it seems to exist Matt Damon'southward from where I'1000 sitting just, yous know, that'south it….Allow'south go back to him later.

All correct, a New York Lottery winner was convicted of murder this week. He'll get fifty years or 1 month a year for life. [some adulation]

Constabulary in California are looking for the killer or killers of a dozen sea lions, some of whom were decapitated. Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson said, "I really resent whatsoever joke you're nearly to make here."

[Colin reaches nether the desk, grabs a collage, and holds it upwards. The collage contains several expiry symbols as well as a doctored photo of Matt Damon and Adolf Hitler together.]

All right, here's what I did. At present, this is…I know it looks a lot – I finally figured it out, I had a footling fourth dimension yesterday…I…made a trivial collage…eh, worked through some of the emotions me and Matt are going through, plainly. I've cleaved information technology down, as you see, we have a collage of some of the atrocities Matt might have committed in another time and place. Matt! We need to talk! [puts the collage abroad] All right.

At that place's a new doll on the marketplace this week: Carlos, a Puerto Rican gay doll with a boyfriend named Billy. The doll's creators…the doll'due south creators said they are proud to be making America'south outset gay dolls. To which Ken replied, "Hello-ooo!" [cheers and applause]…Thank alle!

Okay, we've heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven't heard is directly talk from young people. Here tonight from the Academy of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon'southward own Randy Graves.

[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red "Ohio" sweatshirt and a backwards baseball game cap and talks similar a stereotypical college frat boy]

Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a loftier-v] COLON! [pronounces it "Col-ohn"] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his paw downward] WOOO! Starting time of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly…and this Bitch, Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!

Now, my proficient bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge form, he got arrested for rape, we used to phone call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyhow, the papers chosen him "The Laundry Room Rapist." He was clockblocked by some bowwow. Tripp is a bitch, Hillary'south a bitch, only Bubba's cool 'cause he'due south out looking for a BJ! [turns dorsum to Colin and puts his manus dorsum upwardly] Requite it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]…Come on, man, he won't give it up!…[to Colin] Dude, are you lot gay?…You gotta requite it upwards for the bitch line, Quinny!

Anyway, Billy broy…he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the visitor ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don't even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, nosotros were having this slave auction fundraiser, and nosotros're all…we're all out on the political party porch…and, uh…[starts to become choked upwardly] and in that location were way too many people out there, and…the porch gave way, and…Adkins fell…and he hit his head on the footing, but…only it'southward cool…they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth at present, so…[sings] in your eyes, the low-cal's a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that vocal! He loved that song! [puts his hand dorsum up] Colon! [puts his hand dorsum down]

That's what I'thou talkin' virtually with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You lot are the human! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [thank you] Requite it up! Stand in your chairs! I'chiliad out! [puts his hand up once over again]

Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally loftier-fives Randy] I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'1000 sticking with it. Good dark!

Randy: [starts in the centre of Colin's closing] Stand up! Colin Quinn! Stand up!

[Colin laughs while trying to high-five Randy several times]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Don Roy Rex has directed 14 seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts past Don Roy Rex